Wait. They think I’m gay!

When I first left to attend the University of Utah, I moved into an old frat house that had been privately purchased, and converted into several rooms for students to reside in.  My cousin and about a dozen great guys lived there.  There was almost never a dull moment, and everyone there was really friendly and had an interesting blend of personalities.  About half of the occupants are gay, and even though this was something a bit different for me to adjust to, it wasn’t as weird as I initially thought it would be.  After getting to know most the guys, we would joke about any and all things.  It wasn’t a big deal or social barrier in the least. 

As I became a bit more familiar with my surroundings, I started attending the local student church ward.  Several weeks later, I heard someone refer to a place near where I lived as, “The gay house.”  When I asked for clarification, the church guy described the very house I was living in.  I casually announced, “Oh, I know where you’re talking about.  I live there!”  Apparently this announcement was crossing some social taboo barrier, and I got many very alarmed stares.  People remained polite and friendly though.  Later on, I couldn’t really tell if people were avoiding me, or if it was just due to my typical social awkwardness. 

Months pass by as I disengage myself socially and dive head first into difficult engineering courses.  I still managed to socialize a bit, but it was sparse.  One day I managed to get a date with a girl I met while playing Frisbee.  Afterward, I returned home to see in the common room, several of the guys sitting around with two Home Teachers from the church.  I greeted them casually, but I was more concerned about finishing up my lab report before it was due the following morning.  As I removed my shoes and coat, I walked past as one of the guys inquired about where I was coming from, or what I was doing that evening.  I responded, “Oh, just got back from a date with Nichole.”  The Home Teacher responded, “Oh, with a girl!  Good for you.”  I didn’t even acknowledge this statement, and it only registered in my brain as I sat down at my computer booting up MatLab.  I thought, “Wait, why did he say that?  Does he think I’m…. Nooo way!”  I laughed a little, and went downstairs to clarify things with this guy’s bogus assumption, but they had both left already. 

From then on, I started picking up on various hints that many people in my church congregation suspected that I was gay.  Already well versed in social awkwardness, this wasn’t too much of an adjustment to make, so I decided to have a little fun with it.  Whenever I would encounter someone who was extremely uncomfortable to me in my presence, I would make an added effort in being tastefully and subtly flirtatious with him.  It was fun.  I really couldn’t relate with 90% of my peers in that ward anyways.  Most were all Communication or Business majors with absolutely no idea on what was involved at any typical day as an Engineering student.  Though, the unfortunate side effect was also that all the young woman were equally prone to avoid contact in combination to my already "geeky" awkwardness.  I remember being slightly confused upon moving to Utah with the term "geek".  Seen as a badge of honor, and commonly associated with success and prosperity in the Northwest, it was seen instead as a highly derogatory term here.

When I eventually was about to move out into a different apartment, I was going to attend that ward one last time since I would then fall in a different boundary.  My ex girlfriend from Washington was actually in town at the time visiting her sister.  Despite our relationship rollercoaster, we somehow remained good friends.  I asked her if she would mind coming over to attend church with me to pull an elaborate prank that was months in the workings.  She was overly enthusiastic about such mischief, especially when it involved overly judgmental Mormons.  I asked her to dress in the most revealing and seductive dress she felt comfortable wearing at a church setting.   She also was wearing a ring with a large gem on it, as to prevent “Utah boys” from hitting on her and spontaneously proposing marriage shortly after greeting. 

We arrived at church, and my ex was overly and publicly affectionate towards me.  We walked in as a couple, and the way she was dressed and presented herself, turned everybody’s heads.  She was a great actor, and loved to show-off a nice dress.  I chose a spot to sit right in the front of the congregation in the middle of the bench.  She toyed with my hair, whispered/nibbled by my ear, and played the overly affectionate girlfriend role perfectly.  We put on a marvelous display.  Half way through the session, I turned around only to see every single young woman scowling at me or my ex.  The shock, bitterness, and confusion was palpable.  During a class, she played with her overly gigantic gemstone on her ring, and let it shine all around for many women to see.  I think even showing it off to one girl fishing for compliments.  One couldn’t put a price on the look of these people’s faces.  Confusion and jealousy from the guys, and the unexpected and downright looks of hostility from the young women.  I even had looks of shock from the bishopric & leaders.  It was as if they wanted to hold me accountable for their dubious and moronic judgments, and they were being constantly slapped in the face by strong evidence contrary what they had grown to accept as fact for several months.  Probably only further reinforced by gossip among their social circles.   It all came crumbling down upon them in this magnificent prank.

So. Very. Worth it.